Grieving

Today is my due date…. I should either be holding my baby already or anxiously awaiting my angel’s arrival. Instead I have empty arms and a broken heart.

A year ago we were planning our family. We were hoping that we might bring a child into this scary world within the year. In April we were thrilled to learn that our little bean would be arriving in January of 2008. We told our siblings & parents the wonderful news. Within the month we decided to tell everyone; we were too excited to keep this news a secret.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant I loved my little bean. I was a mother. I couldn’t wait to hear the heartbeat. I couldn’t wait for the ultrasound. I followed all the pregnancy ‘rules’ and did everything I could to give our baby, our child, the best possible chance at a healthy and happy life. I dreamed about all the wonderful things we would do together. I dreamed of our beautiful baby and about the future we would have together. I did everything I could to nurture the life inside of me. I loved that little bean with my heart and soul and body.

Our baby died at 9 weeks. We weren’t aware there were any problems until the miscarriage started. It was over at 14 weeks. It has been 6 months since the miscarriage and I am not the same woman I was a year ago.

I am a mother in heart and soul but my baby is dead. I never got to meet my child. We never got to realize our dreams for this tiny being’s life. Now I mourn the loss of that child. The loss of my motherhood.

Today I mark my child’s due date. I will hurt and that will not end once the day is over.