Grieving

Today is my due date…. I should either be holding my baby already or anxiously awaiting my angel’s arrival. Instead I have empty arms and a broken heart.

A year ago we were planning our family. We were hoping that we might bring a child into this scary world within the year. In April we were thrilled to learn that our little bean would be arriving in January of 2008. We told our siblings & parents the wonderful news. Within the month we decided to tell everyone; we were too excited to keep this news a secret.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant I loved my little bean. I was a mother. I couldn’t wait to hear the heartbeat. I couldn’t wait for the ultrasound. I followed all the pregnancy ‘rules’ and did everything I could to give our baby, our child, the best possible chance at a healthy and happy life. I dreamed about all the wonderful things we would do together. I dreamed of our beautiful baby and about the future we would have together. I did everything I could to nurture the life inside of me. I loved that little bean with my heart and soul and body.

Our baby died at 9 weeks. We weren’t aware there were any problems until the miscarriage started. It was over at 14 weeks. It has been 6 months since the miscarriage and I am not the same woman I was a year ago.

I am a mother in heart and soul but my baby is dead. I never got to meet my child. We never got to realize our dreams for this tiny being’s life. Now I mourn the loss of that child. The loss of my motherhood.

Today I mark my child’s due date. I will hurt and that will not end once the day is over.

For my Angel

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7 responses to this post.

  1. Oh man. I am so, so sorry.

    Reply

  2. I thought I’d drop by, as I figured you would be writing about today – you’re all in my thoughts. It’s funny how when your friend is hurting, all you can offer are immaterial things that are of great worth – sympathy, love, time.

    Reply

  3. Posted by mich on January 15, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    oh honey,

    my heart aches as yours does and I’ve been thinking about you all day.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.

    love mich

    Reply

  4. I’m sorry. 😦

    Reply

  5. Thanks for the kind words everyone…

    Reply

  6. Yes,I am not looking forward to March 12.
    A big hug to you.
    No kind words really help…but at least you know you are not alone on this sad day.

    Thanks for YOUR words of understanding on my blog.

    It does change you…now and forever. Everything is shadowed by the what if’s and what could and SHOULD have been.

    I am so sorry.

    Reply

  7. Posted by Lisa on January 28, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Here’s to the little seed…

    Reply

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